Shariah UK News @ 10

Islam 4 UK is a group of Islamists who advocate the introduction of Shariah Law in the UK. Islam 4 UK reckon that it in 85 years time Shariah Law will be used to govern the UK. Well I wonder what it will be like……

Religious police had the crap kicked out of them today when they attempted to turn off the supply of Guiness in Northern Ireland and Lager in Scotland. A massive car bomb was defused in Belfast. The Irish Republic Nationalist Royal Unionist Coalition claimed responsibility.

Burger King launched its re-branded outlets across the UK today. Shares in the chain rose sharply in the new chain Burkha King.

The Department for Infidel Assimilation launched a more user friendly range of Islamic dress for males today. Complaints have risen over the lack of a zip allowing the male population to release their privates for the purpose of having relieving themselves. The lead designer Mustapha Peepee claimed the new range had a ‘fly’ on the front.

The Department for Media has reportedly paid George Lucas 1 million pounds to Islamify Star Wars. At a sneak preview George Lucas unveiled Hijabba the Hut.

The Islamic Department of Health claimed that there was no such thing as Swine Flu but it was OK to get Avian Flu.

Perez Hilton was banned from travelling to the UK by the Immigration Authorities. The opposition party Infidel Nationalist UK party supported the decision.

UK shepherds came out in their 10000s today to protest at the decision to ban sheep shagging. The Islamic Court ruled that having sex with a sheep was not Halal.

Police today arrested 40 protesters outside the Houses of Parliament for inciting racial hatred. Notice boards saying, ‘Behead those who offend democracy’ were confiscated.

Now the sport in this evening’s game Liverpoolabaad beat Manchestehran Unitedstan by 3 goals. Alex Ferguson blamed his defenders for growing their beards too long and tripping over them too much.

FCUK Martyrdom have come under fire for discriminating against fat people. FCUK Martyrdom said,’we only supply suicide bomber belts to size 0 only.’

And finally, Sheik Simon Cowell has launched a new version of Islamic Britain’s Got Talent – Taliban Idol. If the participants don’t put on a good show the audience can stone to death the act on stage. Analysts predict Susan Boyle, Kerry Katona, Michael Buble and Peter Andre wont it make it past the first round. News Flash the Islamic Immigration Authorities have allowed Perez Hilton into the country to present Taliban Idol!

Middle England Meets Baloo in Banff

Banff is a lovely Canadian village. It is on the tourist route and particularly popular with coach tours. I hate going abroad with my fellow Brits. The attitude is most definitely not one of when in Rome. If you are touring the States or Canada with a bunch of bourgeoisie Brits the attitude is colonial. It is even worse when touring Europe because all the cheap prices allow the most ignorant of British society to roam free across the channel. In Spain and Greece we export our drinking culture. While the NIMBY (not in my backyard) bourgeoisie of rural England take great pleasure in harking back to the 2nd war world war and the 60’s when Britain was great. Sorry guys it is gone. There are new enemies and they don’t make appointments on a battlefield with our forces so the officer class can have their afternoon Tiffin. Anyway, this whole story personifies the current attitude of the British bourgeoisie insecure, paranoid and always expecting somebody else to sort the problem out and why? Because I’m middle England and I pay my taxes.

So I’m on this coach on my way to Banff and I suddenly realise my worst nightmare has come true I’m now middle class. By the mere fact alone I can afford this jaunt my economic classification puts me with the middle-classes. Nobody burps loudly or uses foul language. Everyone is awfully polite while farting silently and looking innocent. The tour guide starts his speech as we pull up to Banff. There are the usual moans about not understanding him. So instead of asking him politely to repeat himself the cackling classes just moan about him not knowing the queens English. Before we get off the coach we are given a leaflet telling us what to do in the event we meet a bear. Apparently, in the event a bear comes after you what you have to do is put yourself into a foetal position. The bear may munch on your head or rip your arm off but under no circumstances should you move. In the foyer of the hotel there is an ever growing crescendo of moans from the Brits about the bear thing not being mentioned in the brochure. There is the usual mention of writing a complaint. However, all that noise comes to an abrupt end when the tour guide mentions the hotel is in fact a Motel and there is no restaurant. Shock horror we have to eat where the locals eat. The tour guide takes his life in his hands when he goes on to say that we are to meet at the coach at 7am and the only restaurant open for breakfast is a 10 min walk on the other side of town. Oh my good god a bunch of bourgeoisie have to get up early and walk to a place where we can have our shredded wheat to keep us regular.

The alarm clock goes off at 530am and I get dressed for my hike across town. It is still dark outside. I have this over-whelming urge to get dressed in a bear suit and knock everyone’s door then jump out and say, ‘I’m hear to eat you and paying your taxes wont save you’. In the motel foyer you can spot the Brits. They are the ones who wear shorts, rain-coat and dark coloured pulled up socks with sandals. It is cold and not raining. As I make my way towards town in the early morning twighlight I notice around 20 Brits from my coach party huddled behind a wall. I approach the group and when I get there they are scared shitless. One grabs my arm and pulls me down saying, ‘Get down you bloody fool he will see you’. Who the f**k is he? Michael Myers, Freddie Krugger, Hannabil Lector? I have a look over the wall and in the distance I can see the silhouette of a 7ft foot black bear. Someone in the group whispers, ‘What is it doing, is it coming this way?’ I reply, ‘I think so’. The guy legs it, two others put themselves into the foetal position whilst another suggests phoning 999. Errrr it is Canada.

I creep around the side of the wall to take another look. The bear is still standing there. One big hairy dude, a 7ft killing machine. Out of my backpack I search for my binoculars. As I look through the binoculars, I kid you not Baloo from Jungle Book is staring right back at me. Not a real one but a plastic 7ft model. His belly is a rubbish bin.

Man vs Bear http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f94WI-0chv4

Get a Snout out of the Trough

Councillor David Parsons of Leicestershire Council is spending 42k of council tax payer cash to refurbish his office. You can stop this stoopidness and get the money invested into frontline services. Click the link below and complain. http://www.leics.gov.uk/index/help/contact_us/complain_comment/RenderForm/form_complain_comment.htm?F.Name=fvdigmngg30