The Off Shore IT Service Desk & the 8 Golden Rules

All the major business process outsourcers use off shore IT help desks. These guys are pitching this stuff to the public and private sector. ITIL is the methodology of choice for supporting IT. I think it’s pretty good when you read about it on paper. On paper if you are having problems with your PC you phone up, someone takes your details and then magically someone appears to fix your problem so you can get on with your life. Like all things to good to be true and all that… Firstly, most of the remote helpdesks use voice over IP telephony so the line tends to be crap and the guy at the end trying to help you cannot hear you. Secondly, the foreign guy only understands text book English. You know the version of the English language they speak on those teach yourself another language CDs you can get from the pound shops. Lastly, the guy at the end of the phone is not normally the guy that can fix something complex. So he has to call 1 of many resolution teams who may work for differing companies. The thing about IT is that it is complex and each resolution team only specialises in 1 bit of stuff that makes up your computer. Here are the rules of engagement when you are in a resolution team. Rule number 1 it is not profitable for a resolution team to work on support. The technical resource would be better utilised on a new commercial project. Rule number 2 a resolution group does not get involved in another resolution group’s turf because if you do you become responsible for supporting a piece of the puzzle you are not skilled or funded to do so. Rule number 3 always blame a problem on another resolution team so you don’t have to fix it. Rule number 4 always follow a script when fixing something coz if it is not in the script you can charge for it. Rule number 5 the problem always exists between the chair and keyboard. Rule number 6 get the customer to do the investigation by interrogating complex system tools in the hope the customer accidentally fixes the problem. Rule number 7 always charge the customer for the call so keep them hanging on and calling back. I knew a guy who had a problem with logging onto to email across the web. He knew exactly what the problem was. So he called the helpdesk and told Roger (real name Subrihiman Maraeeshee – asking an Asian guy to change their name because of their job is actually racist in this country not to mention downright dis-respectful) who to call and what needed to be done. He clearly stated that the resolution team should call him by phone because his email was down. He specifically asked for this request to be recorded on the call coz he knew he was dealing with automatons. 1 day passed nobody phoned him. 2 days later still no call. He phoned the helpdesk to ask Roger to contact the resolution team. On the call record the resolution team stated have emailed customer and left a contact telephone number. Oh I forgot rule number 8 a resolution team never takes a direct call from the customer. The customer must always use the help desk because it makes it easier to enforce rules 1-7.

Problem exists between chair and keyboard...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNPzgPhHeWQ&feature=related&pos=2